Hope

I was neither happy nor sad, it has always been like this after the setbacks I had in my life. Ups and downs, it really didn’t matter now. I had always made things up in my mind. I always thought if I was given a chance to regain what has been lost, what I miss the most and the reason of all my afflictions. If God could feel me as his part like I do, he should barter with me over everything I want, but that wouldn’t happen, given the conflicts we face for possession of a single thing.

            I slept that night after few efforts, insomnia hits you right when you think life is at its best.

            I woke up all sweaty, in a land that felt a little hotter than warm, in sand, a big bright sun at the horizon. Before I even realize what all this is, I am struck with a voice. It says aloud my name and it gives a sharp sensation to me. But I am too shocked to react. “Find what you’ve lost in life” the voice says, loud but not harsh. Nothing, I understand. All silent, I crave for the voice I heard because my sight is empty and I can hear nothing. Only the voice felt companion, even that vanished, just like everything in life. I’ve never been in a desert before, neither did I wished to, this way at least. But the voice kept ringing loud in my head. Did that meant I’ll get everything in life I lost? If it did, I am ready for it, to sacrifice my life in search of the things I wish were mine. The sky with the sun, and the sands with me, I walk ahead, though I had no destination. I keep walking and the words “Find what you’ve lost in life” echo in my ears. Not for a second did the lines annoy me or I curse my mind to be stuck to it. The simple thought of giving up doesn’t fancies me, I am energized with a will to transcend whatever I’ve ever been. I had a purpose now, and they say, when something becomes your purpose only death shall lead to its termination. I walk and the dusk falls, the air gets cooler, breezier, I sigh relief. I don’t hesitate for a moment or stop anywhere to catch a nap. I don’t even know where I am headed but I know that I’ll find what I’ve lost, what I had once loved and still do, that is the sole purpose. Sometimes later, I decide to get some sleep, I dream about all the things that bothers me and am amazed that it is only one thing. When I wake up, I remind myself that I am not here to sleep, and again start my journey. I walk with double the potency, re-energized. I walk day and night, the only break I take is when my body gives up because my mind never does.

            One month passed by just like a whip of air. No signs, no voice, no clues, no leads, where do I go? What do I do? I sit and weep, I cry like I never did, my tears are the only drop of waters I see since I’ve been here. I manage myself, encourage me, and start walking again. My legs have started aching, there is no one here to help. My head feels heavy but these are not reasons I shall stop because I am in search of what I’ve lost. So, I go on.

            It has been five months, since I am with these sands and one thing I’ve learned that they walk with you until you walk with them. My mind is still as gutsy, no tiredness, not a single sign of dismay. And sometimes I hate myself for the way my body tries to disrupt my purpose. I lie there under the moon, I feel to go on but my legs cease to move, they’ve become anesthetic. I’ve also forgot the way I looked, but that doesn’t matter. It’s been long since I’ve uttered a word but I feel that consumes a lot of energy. I lie there quite, just the way I’ve always been, quite. Five months gone and I am still with nothing. Even the voice that screamed my name aloud could mean a wonder now. I feel my pulse stopping, the rate of my beat surging down. I wish I don’t die now, I’ve so much to get, so much to achieve and so much to live for. All within a moment, the voice comes again screaming my name, telling me who I am and asking me to get up. I want to say, I can’t help, I really cannot help myself. My eyes contain dried tears and the skin roughen up. The voice says it knows I’ll find what I am searching for and will definitely do so. I try to smile. It says it has something for me, and I think what. Maybe it understands what I think. Two glasses of water I see, with half my eyes open. One at a little distance and the other a little more. I want to jump off and get those but I know that’ll rip me apart. So I crawl. I struggle for the first glass, I find it in my reach and feel nothing better in my life could happen. I drink in a single breath. I wish I wasn’t dead because that made me feel like in heaven. I go a little further and drink the second glass, I smile. I feel nice. I am thirsty for more, I have been five months without it, I deserve more. The voice asks, “You want more?” “Yessss,” I scream and let my voice vibrate the air surrounding it. “If I lend you more, you’ll lose your purpose,” it is the last thing it says. I hope I understand the way it was meant to understand. I give a big, cheerful, teary smile back. I have nothing else to give. I thank the voice loud enough trying to match its loudness, and I am back with the same energy I started with, five months back in quest to search for what I’ve lost. There never goes a day where I don’t think about it. I thank every time for the two glasses I was given, because I wouldn’t have lived anymore if not for those drops of water. I walk on and I know I’ll get what I want. I have someone to look after me, it has a voice and I know it won’t fail to keep me alive, keep me happy.

            One night, long after that day when I imagine the reason for me in this desert. There comes the voice again –

            “The winds are your thoughts, the desert your loneliness, the sun nourishes you, the moon quenches your thirst, the stars are the ones you miss, your purpose is a hope that keeps you going and you know who I am.”

            I walk without the fear of if this desert has anything for me, because I know I’ll get what I’ve lost.                

Posted by Aditya